just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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