Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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