I cannot find my penis.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
