I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
