her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
