Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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