i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
