It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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