he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize