I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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