We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
