Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
