I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
