It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
