took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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