I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
