My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
