My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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