I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
