Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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