Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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