im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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