I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
