I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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