Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Bring me that man meat
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
