The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
COCAINE IS GR8
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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