No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
