Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
