Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He kissed a someone with a penis
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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