I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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