My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
