Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize