mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
