woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
