No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
