I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
