Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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