so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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