what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
