Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
