By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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