I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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