I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
