just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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