I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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