Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
