He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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