Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
