i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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