gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
