Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize