i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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