dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
barbara walters just said penis...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
