im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's shark week go big or go home
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize