If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
