If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
