I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
