were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
