hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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