Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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