So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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