3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
