Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
