He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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