My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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