how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
