The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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