i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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